Naomi's great passion

“Fuck my life I think I want to die tonight.”  These are some of the lyrics to the song Fuck My Life produced  by Lil Coner, a well-known rapper and gang member in my community. Not only are these words lyrics to a song, it is also a reality and a mentality many people involved in or affiliated with organizations of crime and gangs live by. But, what is it exactly that puts these individuals in this state of mind?  Most of the communities that are heavily infested with gang activity are the ones that are living on the lines of poverty without very many resources to help the youth that are affected by poverty. Poverty brings various addictions that take parents and their natural ability to support and love away from their children. Eventually, these children are stripped of almost all self-worth and value for life leading them to grow up believing they aren’t worthy of love and acceptance. I’m forced to believe that instead of locking up, tearing down, and shunning these so called thugs and gangsters from society and just simply embrace them with love, support, and opportunity many could learn to redirect their lives and thrive harmoniously with their community’s .

 

       “ I Can't Say That I'm Sorry For The Dirt That I Did,
Just Hope That God Ain't Passin' Down This Deadly Curse To My Kids,
Because The Life That I Live, Some Might Consider A Struggle,
And Ain't Nobody Give Me  A House So It's A Must That I Hustle,
I'm Way Too Deep In The Game, The Streets Be Callin' My Name,
So Everytime I get Locked Up They Wonder Why I Don't Change,
I'm Just Addicted To Pain, Cuz That's The Way I Survive,
By Keeping Straps In My Hand, And These Tears Out My Eyes
I Know It Ain't No Surprise, That Everybody Ain't Perfect,
But All The Chances That I Took, I Must Admit They Were Worth It,
So Never Will I Look Back, At Certain Things I Could Change,
I Live My Life To The Fullest, With No Regrets Or No Shame.”

(Don’t Say you’re Sorry  produced by Lil Coner v.2 ).

 

  We Read in 1 Corinthians 13 the many characteristics of what love is and is not.  “Love is patient… Love is Kind… Love does not boast”, in the lyrics to, Don’t say You’re Sorry, The writer portrays a diluted image of himself showing us opposite of his true reality within.  If he truly accepted himself for who he really is and loved himself the way that God does, he wouldn’t have a boastful and proud attitude when he says ”I live my life to the fullest, with no regrets and no shame.”,  Because Loves Fruits are not arrogant or boastful. As most homeboys, His self-worth is clearly tainted with his own mislead conception of love and the change he unknowingly deserves.

  One thing most common in many gang members is that they cannot comprehend the idea that they can be loved, because they have never been given any from natural sources like their parents and have practically raised themselves from very young ages. In Greg Boyles book Tattoos on the Heart, we read, “The self cannot survive without love, and the self starved of love, dies” (46). Without love your spirit becomes broken and your will to live becomes fractured leading one to participate in self-destructive behavior since there is no love to drive them forward in life.  Even schools would misconceive a child’s cry for help with being troublesome and remove its possible window of opportunity from the child, eliminating the chances of finding other resources of love and support. How do we expect  those children to raise themselves and grow up with the desire to live, when it seems all have deprived them from the love everybody deserves leaving them to try and survive but,  majority  fail and perish on the streets and in prisons.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         When a person hasn’t experienced what love is; they are forced to believe that they are not worthy of love, resulting in a tainted perception of self-worth. Majority of all “homies” don’t feel like they can be loved. They feel that they are not worthy of anything but the misery they have become and the promised early deaths bestowed on them. “…But shame is feeling bad about oneself. Failure, embarrassment, weakness, overwhelming worthlessness, and feeling disgracefully “’less than’”-all permeating the marrow of the soul” (46).   The way people impose negativity on them enslaves them to carry the heavy burden of shame, embarrassment, and worthlessness as well. “The self made to feel too small from being bombarded with messages of shame and disgrace. People call you “’the black sheet’” long enough, you tend to believe them” (196). We have been calling gangsters the “’black sheets’” instead of encouraging them to live a better life, so we have no one to blame but ourselves for the destructive behavior that “homies” display in our communities.

    Love has a way of motivating and softening even the hardest of hearts propelling one away from complete self-destruction and into self-acceptance. When a “homie” who has been lacking love finally gets it, at first will have a hard time accepting it because of their diluted perception of self-worth and the shame it brings. But when it’s given consistently and patiently  waits for the receiver to embrace it, then and only then will the receiver’s perception of their self-worth be clarified and their true value will manifest itself by finding the “’goodness that God sees “’ and  coming to terms with the discovery of “our true selves”(143). Once they come to terms with this Goodness they naturally gain the ability to become resilient to their particular circumstances. They have become aware of their potential to succeed, thrive, and find hope from within. The homeboy is ready to learn to function as a contributing part of society. But not all will be ready and unfortunately for those who are not, most will never find the drive to change. “Change awaits us. What is decisive is our deciding”(111). An example of this is found when the “homie” Grumpy defiantly and belligerently refuses Boyles offer to help him remove his tattoos on his face when grumpy got out of Camp Munz. Even though Boyle got crazy back at Grumpy, he still offered him his card and let him know when he was ready to hit him up the opportunity to help him would still be readily available for him if decides he wants to take it. Five months later Grumpy runs into Boyle and greets him with open arms and lets him know that he’d be getting out in a week and that he will be taking the opportunity to change. Love was patiently waiting for him to embrace it and when grumpy finally was ready to embrace love his shot perception of self-worth was put into proper focus and became aware of his “goodness” within, making him resilient to his circumstances and finally saw the potential he had within and was ready to change. 

In order for a homeboy to redirect his life for the better, he must first come to the conclusion that he needs to change and have the desire to be redirected; otherwise they will not be successful and become non- receptive to love and the changes it can bring.  “Sheep without a shepherd…But for lack of someone to reveal the truth to them, they had evaded healing, and the task of returning them to themselves got more hardened and difficult”(66). Once that decision to change has been made it becomes an everyday choice to not want to fall back into old habits whenever challenges arise. “Every day you choose to believe this all over again and want only “’to live as though the truth was true’” (125).  Not only should there be a desire in the gangsters and thugs to change but there has to be a desire to change in us as a society to embrace those who aren’t fortunate enough to access the resources that we have been privileged enough to acquire and love them. 

 Until we as society stop judging and viewing  these gangsters and thugs who’ve  been abandoned 

and rejected as a waste of time, and see them as our brothers and sisters accepting that there is 

 goodness in us as one,  We will never see an end to such self destructive behaviors and the violence that terrorizes our communities will keep increasing. Not saying that we would change everyone one because not everyone wants to change, but that shouldn’t stop us from the task at hand by working towards a unified society and the hopes of redirecting a homeboy’s wayward path. “Maybe there are things you can’t reach. But you can stretch your arm across a gurney and forgive and heal”(186). 

  Continuing on, I’d like my readers to see the effect that even loves memory can have on an individual to stay positive and hopeful even during the worst of circumstances. Below is a letter that was sent to my brothers and me. This letter was written by Sammy “Pato” Caudillo Sr., or better known to me as daddy, while living his last days of life . As I have read his letter time and time again the song So by War always plays in the back of my mind, so before you turn to the next page I’d like you to find the same song and listen to it while you read his letter.

 OK, you can now begin to read.

 Whew!  That was intense, every time I read that letter I have to refrain myself from tears.  His memory of his children and the unconditional love they had for him is what kept him hopeful for a positive outcome. He passed just a few days after this letter was written.  But what caused him to be in such a place so that he was distanced from the very love that was given to him unconditionally?

Well, he chose to walk away from the things that were of any real value  his life, leaving him barricaded from love, real love, in exchange for old, self - destructive habits and a corrupted vision of self-worth.  During his last week of living, he was able to break through his clouded vision of self-worth and connect to that unconditional love he once had walked away from.  Once love is given, remember the rest of love’s traits “…It is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.”

My dad grew up on the streets with no one to love him properly and without the unconditional support a parent should have given him.  By the very young age of 11, he was in and out of Youth Authority jails and prison due to the heavy gang activity he was a part of in the streets of San Jose.  By his late 20s, he found his half-sister who was attending church and it was she who showed him the love and support he greatly needed and longed for.  He shortly after met my mother and they started a family right away.  In those 26 years after that, he did many great things.  He helped so many individuals turn their lives around from destruction and chaos by loving the unloved and many people who had been over looked, abandoned, and mistreated --many of those people were much like himself.  His choice to live a better life was a constant battle of trying to tame the old self from taking over his new - found self.  Though he did help many people, he never really helped himself and confused my brothers and me completely, always glorifying his old life style.  He drove my brothers into the street life because they wanted to be just like Daddy, not knowing the self - destruction that lay ahead for them and yes, even for me. Both my brothers ended up in and out of jails, dropped out of school, and became heavily involved in drugs and gang activity. My brothers’ self-worth had decreased to nothing. They found themselves searching for acceptance and the proper love and support that should have been given to them by my dad. 

  

 

But how that could be accomplished when they had a father who never knew what it was like to get love himself as a child. Because of my brothers’ reckless behavior, I was pushed aside, forgotten about, and it felt like I was left to fend for myself. It was during those years that I was abused, molested and raped, and humiliated.   There was no one to protect me.  In fact, I used to think that all the men who were supposed to love me, protect me, and have my back, did the opposite, leaving me with a tremendous amount of anger and resentment.  As we got older, my father’s grasp of his new-found life slowly slipped from his reach. Somewhere he decided to go back to his old self -destructive life, giving up all the good things he –had acquired, yet couldn’t maintain.  Just like many of the homeboys and homegirls in my life, I grew up to believe I wasn’t worthy of any love. I had a tainted perception of myself, and I began to self-destruct.  By the time I knew it, I had slept with many different lovers who added to the heavy load of shame and hopelessness I had to carry. It was a cry from deep within my soul for someone to love me, to want me, to find value in me. It never came.  I blamed my father for all the wrongs in my life, for the broken heart that I seemingly could never piece back together.  I blamed him for the lack of love he showed me, for giving his love to my brothers when they were the ones who abused me and used me and left me to the wolves who defiled whatever little bit of self-respect I had left. I wish I could’ve seen the bigger picture that I can now see today: the little boy in my dad that also was abandoned and abused left for dead.  Not everyone can find strength from within when they are in seemingly hopeless situations. Not everyone can comprehend their worth completely. Case in point: I met my husband in the mist of all this self destruction. He was my knight in shining armor, the love that I had been searching for almost all my life. I was wanted, I was loved, and I was protected from the wolves that almost completely devoured me.  By this time in my life, my father completely regressed back into his old lifestyle of gangbanging and partying, resulting in him abusing my mother beyond limit and completely severing their marriage, including my relationship with him. I considered myself fatherless as a teen and now I really was. Shortly afterwards, my own marriage began to decay. The love I thought I had gained was ripped away from me my husband was having an affair  with a younger , more exciting ,and prettier girl than me . I was pregnant and vulnerable, I was abandoned, and left to fend for myself, I was abused once again.  I tried reaching out for help, but like before, there wasn’t any.  My marriage fell apart completely and all I was left with was two babies (the eldest being only a year and half) and a broken spirit.  I was lost in a whirl wind of broken dreams and hopelessness.  I was so caught up in this mess that I began to have anxiety attacks and fell into a deep, paralyzing depression. I couldn’t even get out of bed to tend to my babies who only had me to depend upon.  I finally reconnected with my father after he found his way back to himself and began to attend church again. He quit partying, he quit gangbanging, and he quit hurting us. But, his self-destructive behavior had taken its toll; he lived only long enough to reconnect with all of the love he had walked away from which was only a month’s worth of time. He passed away in Sparks, Nevada, away from all of his children and grandchildren, but in all this, love’s undying memory still stood with him ‘til he took his last breath. The night before he passed, I called him and though I could barely understand his words, I heard him say “Naomi I love you, I always loved you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I miss all of you kids…can’t wait to see you all again”. We were on the phone for ten minutes and those where the only things I could make out.  I let him know it was ok and that I forgave him and that we would be on our way in the morning. He passed away the next morning ten minutes into our drive.  “Love always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.”  He passed knowing I forgave him and was on my way to be back at his side.  I believe he passed in peace and fully aware of his self-worth and the love he deserved. 

  My next wish for you is to marinate in the following: if we as a society learn to embrace these homeboys with love, support and opportunity, is our job done, do we stop there? What happens to the children of these misguided and redirected individuals, people like me and my brothers, society’s outcast, the forgotten people who we as a whole have been abandoned and left to self-destruct and pass on such hate and hopelessness to our future generations only to continue to repeat the cycle that we’ve claimed to address but have not fully fixed the gaping hole that is left in society’s moral fiber? If we continue to overlook them, our future will be bleak. How do we as society redirect the rest of our forsaken brothers and sisters?  Ever hear of the saying it takes a village to raise a child? That’s exactly where we need to start in our communities. 

 

Our communities need to realize that we need to work together to create a better environment for our kids that are living in poverty’s grip. These kids deal with some very real and very hard life situations as you have previously read from my personal experience and have little to none of the resources that those with better economic standing would have.  We need to have teachers who are aware of the reality that many of our children do not have the proper support and encouragement at home for many various reasons and need to have a passion and desire to be that for those children. We need to also create better opportunity for our children to learn how to deal and cope with the flood gate of emotions they will have to face in their life journey with making places where they can learn and understand what they are feeling and correct the behaviors that are hindering them from being successful in life.

  You ask me to write something that I have a burning passion for and that passion is this, that I can help those who have become victims of their circumstances, the families affected from their past generations, the people who do not know how or where to get help for themselves, the hopeless, for my children and the Naomi’s that are out in this fucking crazy ass world. How do I plan on doing this? I am currently in the process of forming an organization within my community where my fellow community members who also carry this heavy burden and I can help the families in and around our community get the proper help and support that they may need to live a better and happier life and equipping them with the proper tools to get through life’s constant tests and trials. The reason for me wanting to do this is because I have been fortunate to get that kind of help and want to be able to help others like me and like the many people I have come across in my life who aren’t as fortunate as myself. I also want to do this because helping others has a way of helping me heal the wounds and scars that are deeply imprinted on the fabric of my soul. It’s not for selfish reasons trust me it is just a plus that helping others are like medicine for my soul. It was too late for me to fully understand my father to help and understand him during his life, but it isn’t too late for me to help my friends, families, and community.  I will do what I can to try and make a change in as many lives as I can . I believe it is my purpose in this life.